The Fairy Tale Wedding

I don't know if you are like me or not, but I think I have heard enough about the impending Royal Wedding. Sure I understand how people can get swept up in the excitement, but when you break it down, it is still just a wedding. There is a song I like from a very raunchy play, but I think one of the lines from that song definitely relates to the frenzy of what we are all witnessing. The line from the song is, "It's a fine fine line between a fairy tale and a lie". Millions watched as Princess Diana married Prince Charles. Everyone hung unto every detail of that wedding and maybe even wished it was them. Well, lets see how that fairy tale played out...It was a loveless marriage that ended in divorce. And well, Princess Di took on a lover, travelled with him to Paris, where she was in a car accident and died! No happily ever after there.

Now, we have a ROYAL WEDDING where the future King of England has been shacking up with the future princess. I am a huge fan of fairy tales, but I don't believe in any of them did the prince say, "Hey Cinderella, this is a demanding life I lead, why don't we live together and see if you are in it for the long haul" Be still my beating heart! I ask you parents, is this the dreams you have for your kids, don't you want more for them? Don't you know that there is more in store for them?

Tomorrow as the future King and his bride declare their vows, my husband and I will be celebrating 11 years of marriage. What I have been blessed with, is as close to a fairy tale as I think I can ever find. We had a BEAUTIFUL wedding (thanks Mom and Dad), we went on a 9 day honeymoon to St. John USVI. We returned to our house that was not ours until after we said I do. We built that house into a home and had 2 perfect baby girls. Later we bought a 2nd home big enough to accommodate the 4 of us and our 2 high maintenance dogs. But this fairy tale is real life, kids get sick, husbands get cranky, and dogs die. God promised us life and we make the best of what he gives us. He did not promise us all rosy days with no stress, disappointment or sadness.

I worry that tomorrow people will watch the Royal Wedding and will buy into the fairy tale and forget the reality. William and Kate will have immense pressures to deal with in their marriage, always under public scrutiny, constantly being second guessed. Marriage is hard enough when you are not royalty I cannot imagine the obstacles they will have to endure. I guess what I want people to understand is the sacredness of marriage and of love and never confusing that with, well, fairy tales!

Happy Anniversary, Chris!

Justin Bieber doesn't believe in loveless sex!

I recently read an article in Rolling Stone about Justin Bieber. I have two daughters, my 5 year old has "Bieber Fever" and my 9 year old says, "he looks like a girl and sounds like a girl...she just doesn't get it". In any case, as a parent I usually take notice when there is a new icon on the scene. It seems no matter your opinion on the Bieber, he is hard to ignore, in fact he is EVERYWHERE!



I think it is great that Rolling Stone wanted to write an article about him. I was curious why they felt the need to ask him such heavy questions. Why should people know this teens stance on abortion? In fact he caught some flack for being against it. When asked about abstinence, he replied that he did not believe in loveless sex. Here is where I try to put it into perspective. On the one hand he is quite the teen idol and I am sure there are girls that would do anything to have intimate time with him. So kudos to the guy that doesn't believe in having sex with every groupie throwing themselves at him. On the other hand, we are not all pop stars, so while our pressures may not be as constant or intense, they are still there.



I am curious as to your thoughts on his idea of loveless sex versus loving sex. Especially in the context of teens having sex. You well know I have a thought on this and if you would permit me I would like a second to share my opinion. I don't relish in the idea of reminding you of how wise I have gotten in my older age, but I do have the benefit of perspective that many teens don't have yet. When I think about some of the guys in high school that I just knew I loved and wanted to spend the rest of my life with, I can now laugh at how silly I was. At 16, I had no idea what true love really it is. Oh, I thought I did, I mean I had seen "Sixteen Candles" and "Dirty Dancing" enough times to get the idea.



Now as a wife and mother of 2, I have a different idea of love. Don't get me wrong, my husband has a way of making me feel like Molly Ringwold being kissed over a birthday cake. But our love is deeper than that. I feel challenged to find ways each day to build my husband up, to make him a better person. It is not my job to point out his flaws and nag him endlessly. What can I do each day to make him feel loved and cherished. Knowing that there will be obstacles in his day, I don't want to be one of those. I want to be on the other side of one of the speed bumps that comes his way, offering my hand to help him to the other side.



No offense to teens everywhere, but when I was one, I was definitely more consumed with myself and my needs to have worried about others as I do now. One must ask then, what is sex to a teen? If it is a way to show love, then we know as teens this is a poor choice. We are not mature enough to handle emotionally the true ramifications of "making love". I guess my beef with the article is that while Justin Bieber understands the difference between sex and making love, I don't think he is mature enough to understand what it really means to make love. If you are doing "it" correctly it is not just an action that you brag about. It is the complete giving of yourself into the care of another. Where else can this be done as safely and lovingly than in the arms of your spouse. Not just someone in your chemistry class that you THINK you really love.



Long story short I don't believe in loveless sex either. But I also think you don't have a clue as to what love really is, until life stops being all about you. I know some of my teen followers are not going to like this blog, in fact you may be offended by it. I would love to hear from you, go ahead and convince me that I am wrong...this could be fun!

I'm Back!

After an almost 2 year hiatus, I have decided to return to my blog. It is quite possible that it will go unread, but I cannot let that stop me. I have received countless signs that this is what I need to be doing so here goes nothing....again!


The last two weeks the Gospel readings have really been urging me in this direction. At mass, two weeks ago, Father spoke of Mother Teresa. She was but one person and look at all of the good she accomplished. He then pointed out that we, Catholics, are 65 million strong. What if each of us just did one thing to bring the light of Christ to others? I do believe that my talks and blogs are what God wants me to work on.


You might ask, "where have you been"? I would tell you that I have been very discouraged. No matter how many negative consequences there are when teens have sex, they seem to be all overlooked for a few minutes of pleasure. Why is this? Once again we are letting society dictate how we live are lives. To follow God's law is "old fashioned". Surely, He did not mean for us in 2011 to live abstinate lives. Times have changed, His rules need to bend to our will. My haven't we gotten to be a conceited generation! His rules are there to make our lives easier. Imagine if we all lived as Christ wanted us to live? There would be no more drama! Instead, we think we know better and now look at the disaster we have made of things down here on earth.


I'm just getting started so hang in there with me. I will be blogging every Tuesday so please check in with me. If you are reading my blog and agree with me or disagree with me I would love to hear from you. Post a comment or shoot me an email, let's get people talking!

Why not do it for God?

I often take great care in staying away from politics and religion on my blog, today I would like to stray from this philosophy. I am a Roman Catholic and I say this so you know where I am coming from in today's blog. Would you think me strange if I admitted that Holy Week is my favorite week of the year, liturgically speaking? I LOVE Holy Week. I look forward to Holy Thursday, Good Friday, the Easter Vigil on Saturday night, and don't forget Easter Sunday. When I was a child, my parents took me to every service during Holy Week. I would hope to develop a terrible allergy to the incense the church used at the services so I would not be forced to go anymore. I didn't understand why my best friend, (shout out Laura) a Methodist was not attending as many services at her church as I was attending at mine. I guess I tell you all of this so you can see how far I have come!
I am not sure I can put into words why I love this week so much. I guess the most obvious answer is the beauty and pageantry of the liturgies during Holy Week. I love the reminder of how much my Creator loves me. Do I love Him enough to sacrifice one of my daughters for Him? No way! While I struggle with Lenten sacrifices, Jesus never once said, "no" to what His Father asked of Him. When I try to imagine the anxiety, nerves, and pain that Christ endured for me, to give me life I feel so unworthy of His love. The season of Lent and the culmination of Holy Week are like a wake up call to me spiritually. It is my chance to check back in as they say. A reminder to make Him the center of my life and not the daily nonsense that seems to consume me.
Here I go and tie all of this into abstinence with a big, nice, bow. When I talk about my reasons for choosing abstinence until marriage, I am very frank that in the 9th grade my relationship with Christ was not so evolved that all of my decisions were made based on pleasing Him. No where close! In fact, God's role in my decision did not come into play until a couple of years after college. I do believe that He was pleased at my decision to wait regardless of my reasons. But for those of you out there trying to decide will you or won't you have sex here is a thought. God gave His only Son for you. Jesus hung on a cross for hours so that you may have life. The way I look at it, He is not asking for much in return, mainly he has the big 10 as I like to call them, the commandments. Ten simple rules really does not seem like much to do, seeing all that HE did for us. God created sex to be a way for a husband and wife to bond and procreate. Whatever you think sex is for other than that you are just plain wrong.
We reason with ourselves that times have changed and while that is true and our attitudes towards sex have become very casual that does not mean we are right. The problem with society today is that we think the Church needs to catch up and join us in modern times. It is not the Church's role to bend to the will of the people, we are to adhere to the will of the Church and of the teachings of Christ.
Lastly, if you are Catholic and have not attended Holy Week services in eons I encourage you to go and remember how awesome is our gift of faith. If you are not Catholic and have never attended the Holy Week liturgies, I invite you to go to a Catholic Church near you; all Christians can certainly benefit from the splendor of these Holy services.

Safe sex is NOT 100% safe!

In the paper about two weeks ago, there was a letter in the Annie's Mailbox section. The letter was written by a 22 year old girl from Staten Island. According to "Devastated on Staten Island", she dated Matt exclusively for six months. During their relationship, they practiced safe sex every time! Their product of choice was the condom. Matt dumped Devastated and she worked hard to overcome the break up. Just when she thought she was getting over Matt, she found out that she had an STD, an extra little something to make sure she never forgot him. Devastated was dumbfounded I mean they had practiced safe sex everytime. Did I mention that he was her first intimate relationship? One thing is for certain, Devastated was not Matt's first conquest.
I would like to say this again...The only 100% safe sex is no sex! Abstinence is the only way I can guarantee you a life free of STDs and unintended pregnancy. Condoms are not foolproof, and they tend to break or leak. Once more the condom does not protect you from oral sex. Any contact made with an infected area can lead to STDs. Abstinence is not just the not having intercourse but it includes all physical touching of the "private" area. Don't be like Devastated and learn this lesson the hard way. Do what I always recommend, learn from someone else's mistake. Now you know the truth!

Sexting

Don't say I didn't warn you. I have said that no good can come from sending or posting risque pictures of yourself and now there is hard evidence that, surprise surprise I was right! The down side to sexting is negative for both boys and girls. Here are two good reasons to stop sexting right away.

First we have the tragic story of Jessie Logan. Like many other teens Jessie sent a naked picture of herself to a boy she had been seeing for about 1 month. The young man was so crazy about her that he immediately sent the picture to four other girls representing at least 3 other high schools. The girls sent the picture out to everyone, and before Jessie knew it she was being mocked and bullied at school and online. Kids were calling her terrible names, and everywhere she went she was harrassed. "Jessie expressed regrets about taking and sending the photo, her mother said. She wanted to warn other kids. At Payne's suggestion, she did an anonymous television interview.
"My little girl wanted to get the message out to other children not to make the same mistake she did," Albert Logan said". How, do you ask did Jessie Logan deal with this constant abuse? She killed herself. One night while getting ready to go out, with her flat iron still warm she hung herself. She left no note, they know that she made 5 phone calls while getting dressed, walked out of the bathroom, passed her mother in the hallway without saying a word and that is the last time they saw her alive.
My question to all girls that engage in sexting or are thinking about participating is WHY? WHY in the world would you do this? There is nothing to gain by doing it. Do you think you will secure your life long love by sending nude photos of yourself to his cell phone? I saw a statistic that approximately 22% of female teens or 1 in 5 is already sexting. Let's reverse this trend and I show some respect for ourselves. A good rule of thumb, if it is a picture you would not want your mom, dad or grandmother to see then no one should see it.
Now the downside of sexting for boys; there is the young man who saw a girl for about two months in Wisconsin. She dumped him and started dating someone else, but not before she sent him 2 nude photos of herself. In a jealous rage, he sent the picture to all of her family members, including grandma, and to many of her friends. He is now a registered sex offender for distributing child pornography. He had to serve jail time and for the next 25 years every time he moves he will have to send a postcard to all of his neighbors letting them know of his sex offender status. I know she started it, right? After all, she sent the pictures. He was 14 months older than her, she was only 16 making her a child and he an adult. The exchanging of pornography over the Internet or a cell phone is a felony. Your age does not make you exempt from the laws of this land. A felony goes on your record and makes it hard to secure a future in a good college or even trying to land a job.
Sexting has serious consequences that will lead you down a road of many regrets. Listen up boys and girls stop sexting and keep your clothes on! Not listening to this sage advice will devastate you in the long run and I would have to work really hard to muster up any compassion for this stupid behavior!

May I bend your ear one more time?

If you would please allow me to one more time touch on the Bristol Palin topic. I am sure my readers must think I am beating a dead horse but I am not sure my point has been made and there is still more to say. Unfortunately for Bristol, she is the daughter of a very polarizing political figure, people either love Sarah or hate her and so on that opinion Bristol is being judged.
I have talked about "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" it is FICTION! What is happening in Bristol's life is REAL and it is the real crisis that many teens face today. What kills me are the people who are pleased, if not thrilled that she is going through this because it shows what a failure her mother and the abstinence movement are. Will there be people rejoicing if one day one of my daughters finds herself in this impossible situation? I choose abstinence until marriage because it is the path with the least negative consequences. Worse case scenario my daughter is dumped because she will not sleep with some guy. Please note, that while I will not promote safe sex I don't judge those who do.
On the other hand, those promoters of safe sex are over joyed at the life lesson Bristol is now having to endure. It is as if to say, "HA! Abstinence does not work, Sarah Palin's daughter failed and said it is not realistic" from the MSNBC website here is a quote, "Bristol and her beau have apparently called off their engagement, making the product of their special night of conservative 'value swapping' in the back of a Chevy — son Tripp — one helluva elephant in the GOP's cathedral of morality." Why in the world would you take what is happening to these two teens and make it political? Does the above statement help anyone? Would you say this about your own child as a Democrat or a republican? The adult decisions our teens are making today are having real life consequences regardless of political party. If this had been Chelsea Clinton in high school would we be saying, " See safe sex doesn't work"? You fools this is not about politics! This is about our kid's future! Here is an absolute truth, if you don't have sex you will NOT get pregnant. Abstinence is the only sex education that can say this with 100% certainty.
Incidentally I read an article this weekend that was discussing the break up of Levi and Bristol. Levi says he is just not mature enough to get married. Well then I would tell Levi if you are not mature enough to handle the consequences of sex then you should not be having it. The article had a statistic that only 8% of teenage marriages last. So much for true love at 16! For the rest of us, why not treat Bristol like we would want our own daughter to be treated, with moral support and not like shrapnel from some political fall out!

what happened with the baby daddy?

Well here is a shocker...Bristol Palin and her fiance' have broken up! It would seem that Levi and Bristol did not in fact have true love for one another. When I first blogged about Bristol's predicament back in the fall of 2008, I said that she was unfortunately the rule and not the exception among today's teens. Hearing the news today, that she and Levi are separated only reiterates my point. Teens think they have found true love, make grown up decisions with grown up consequences and think the rest of their life will be a fairy tale.
The truth is I can only think of two of my friends that married their high school sweethearts, and I think they even broke up for a while in college. I know when you are young and in love you think you have found everything you are searching for, I know this because I used to think the same thing. Now I look at all of my high school crushes and wipe my hand across my brow and say whew, am I lucky I didn't go down that road! But in my teens, while I was doodling their name and seeing how my first name looked with their last name I doubt you could have convinced me we were not meant to be. Ah my good old friend hind sight!
Unfortunately every day we have teens who think they have discovered their soul mate, and they engage in sex thinking this will bring them closer to one another, when really it can just tear them apart. Just think what may have happened if Bristol and Levi had not had sex. Maybe they would have dated throughout the rest of high school and college, gotten a job married, and even bought a house. And maybe a few years later they would have started the family they always dreamed about. OR maybe they would have dated the remainder of high school, gone off to college and discovered there are a whole lot of other fish in the sea, parted ways and have fond memories of their high school sweetheart.
Now, because they did choose to express their love in a physical manner they are forever tied to one another. Probably Levi will start dating first because he is not actually living with their son. He does not have the day to day responsibilities that Bristol does. Actually all he is required to do by law is provide financially for his son. So does he bring his dates over to meet his son? How does Bristol handle other women down the road being involved in her son's life. Do you think either of them thought about any of this before they decided to have sex? Isn't their situation, which is unfortunately typical of teens today, enough for you to say no to sex outside of marriage? Don't be left wondering one day, what happened to my baby daddy or my baby mama.
I know you think you are in love. And if it is the real, til death do you part kind of love then sex can wait until you say I do!

dating and sex.

There is a new show on MTV called "Sex with Mom and Dad". I have now watched three episodes in an attempt to blog about it and I still don't have a handle on what I want to say. However the last episode I watched was about a 20 year old man who had not had sex in two years, because of his smothering mother. What bothered me the most was his equating sex with dating. Since when did the two become one? Can't you have one without the other, or is that the problem?

In my dating history, I never equated the two. This is a concept that leaves me a little stunned and I hope it does not make me naive. I can understand that a physical relationship develops when dating someone, we call that natural. I also know that people have sex without the relationship, we call this a one night stand, or another name is tragic. But here is a 20 year old who cannot date, because he cannot have sex. How in the world does one learn how to have a meaningful, mature relationship without dating? As I have said before, a relationship built on the physical bond and not the emotional bond has a weak foundation and will not last. If this guy's only goal in dating is to get sex, then maybe his mom was right, maybe he is still too emotionally immature.

When I talk about abstinence I proclaim the virtue of how it keeps you safe both physically and emotionally. Maybe it is time to define what you want out of dating. You know you don't want to be crushed by a broken heart and you know you do not want to be strapped with an STD for the rest of your life. Use this as a guideline to decide what you do want out of your dating history. And frankly, it will be a history. Not many people get the opportunity to marry their first love and many of us will tell you that is a good thing.

I went through a lot of my old college photos this weekend and scanned them onto my computer. I had pictures of boys that I had one date with and I had pictures of guys I dated for a while. You know what I didn't have? Regrets. Each guy is now part of my dating history. That history helped me decided what I wanted in a partner for the rest of my life. I knew what I wanted in my spouse and I knew what I didn't want. Beyond a very few bad dates, mostly I have happy memories. Each one of these guys I can greet with a smile and a quick introduction to my cute husband. And my cute husband can shake their hands and look them in the eye and know that he is the only one who has ever or will ever have all of me. Now that is a bond built on a solid foundation. Stop confusing dating with sex, you can have one without the other!

The bachelor!

I am currently working on two other blog ideas, but they are just not yet ready, so why not talk about The Bachelor. I have admitted on several different occasions that I love trashy TV, hence The Bachelor. That is my disclaimer, because now I am going to have to talk bad about a show that is a guilty pleasure of mine; I wouldn't want anyone to call me a hypocrite.
Like millions of others, I tuned in last night to see which girl Jason would choose, Melissa or Molly. I really didn't care, because I am still upset that he let Gillian go! The more I think about it, this show is quite the "how to" manual in dating. Things I have learned about dating from watching the Bachelor. One: the girls that act slutty do not get picked. Two: the girls that play hard to get and appear innocent and above the fray of the show seem to get the curiosity of the suitor. Three: You should never date a guy while he is dating 25 other beautiful girls. Four: when on a TV show fighting for one man, you may lose all sense of reality and forget that the Bachelor is not the last man on earth. What you are feeling for him is not love but a contrived feeling of "love' that is really a competitve feeling to win. Lastly the more physically you get involved the farther you will fall when he dumps you.
Yes, slutty girls may get male attention, but not the kind you want. Acting loose to get a guy to notice you is selling him a false bill of goods if that is not how you want yourself to be perceived. Now if you do want that kind of label and it is working for you then more power to you, but I worry you may be wasting your time reading this blog. I admit I have never known any girl that wanted the label of whore and yet I know many that act like one sometimes thinking the end results will be worth it. I'm just saying...I am afraid a lot of that misinterpretation goes around, and yet we act surprised that we feel used and abused. How can we call a guy a cad when all he did is show us with the same amount of respect we show ourselves?
While life may not be a reality TV show, there are times we may develop a crush and forget that any other person of the opposite sex is alive. We then do terrible desperate things to get them to notice us. Stop and ask yourself, is he or she worth it? Am I making them into something they are not? Good example of this, there was this guy in college that I thought was AWESOME. I watched him from a far for months before I strategically put into action my plans. We met one night "accidentally", but truth be told I had carefully orchestrated the whole event. The night exceeded my expectations we danced until the bar closed. We went to Krispy Kreme and ate donuts until 4am. The next day I was so excited to see him. After dinner with a friend I ran to his fraternity house to see what was on the agenda for the night, and I found him hot and heavy with another girl. For months as I had stalked this good looking boy, I had created some kind of character in my head and found out that he was no where near the man I thought he was, he was a pretty big tool. Not long after that he knocked up some girl, and I wasn't even sad. For two reasons: I had not given him a piece of myself. Had I been intimate with him I would think I would never be able to get that part of me back. Secondly in hind sight after really getting to know his true character I knew that he wasn't worthy of me! Boy this has come a long way from Jason and Melissa I mean Molly.
Back on task, last night Jason chose Melissa proposed to her and spent some "quality" time with her for about 6 weeks. It turns out that when the cameras were off and ABC wasn't sending the two of them on incredible once in a lifeitme dream dates, the chemistry was no longer there for him. I hate to speculate but I am assuming Melissa shared herself with him, which made it even more tragic when he dumped her on national television and said, "I made a mistake I meant Molly"! I think the break up would sting either way, but maybe the pain would not be as deep if she had said no to the sex, not unitl we are married. AH another lesson learned!

We are in heat!

Recently our puppy, Penny has come into heat. This is a whole new experience for me! My husband encouraged me not to get the dog fixed so our girls could have the joy of puppies. Against my better judgement I went along with his plan and now our little girl has become a woman. We have the perfect male for her to date in six months and if all goes according to my husband's scheme we will have puppies for Christmas.

All of this has really taken me aback, my sweet dog keeps trying to eat through our fence to get to potential suitors. Random dogs hang around our house trying to get a glimpse of that girl emitting pheromones. And when we try to take Penny for a casual evening stroll it has turned into something resembling a roller derby trying to keep her virtue intact. It reminded me that often I hear from teens I talk to, "I just don't know if I have the self-control to stop". Heads up! We are thinking, rational beings, not animals! My poor dog has an excuse, this same excuse will not fly with me when my girls enter their teen years.

If Penny goes behind my back and gets knocked up, that becomes my problem. She is not a girl that will have to really be concerned with the consequences of her actions. I on the other hand would have to figure out how to sell the by products of her poor choice in men! So yes, we have hormones and we have physical desires, but God gave us the ability to think and rationalize our decisions. He also gave us free will. Now you have a choice you can go out there and act like a dog and actually suffer the consequences. Or you can put on the brakes when things start to heat up with your girlfriend/ boyfriend and act like the rational human being I know you to be!

Bristol Palin has a regret

Months ago when the news broke that Bristol Palin was pregnant I did a blog on it. I am not going to rehash that tonight. Instead I will tell other teens to learn from her. If You have ever heard me speak on the topic of abstinence then you know that many times my choice to not have sex often came from my observing the consequences of others who chose to have sex. How many times have we said, "If I knew then what I know now I would never have done it that way". As they say hind sight is 20/20. But how much easier when we can look at the experiences of others and have no need for hind sight.
Bristol Palin looking very young, and tired said that she loves her son, but she wishes it had happened 10 years down the road. As things stand now, she is 17, with a 2 month old baby, living at home and trying to find a way to attend college and be a mom. She pointed out that if she had waited until she was 27, she could have been educated, employed, married and a homeowner. This situation she finds herself in is not ideal, but it is the result of her choosing to have sex as a teen.
When you choose to have sex outside the boundaries of marriage, the consequences that arise are very complicated. Last summer, all Bristol was thinking about was her upcoming senior year and where she would apply to college. When she discovered she was pregnant, she said that she was sick with the fear of having to tell her parents the news. In fact she was so scared she couldn't get the words out her friend had to tell them. When asked how they responded, she said that she was so upset that she hardly remembers anything they said.
When deciding whether or not you want to engage in sex outside of marriage, I beg you to look at all of the possible outcomes of your decision. When I tell you the negative consequences way outnumber anything you can come up with as a good consequence then you should use your noggin and just say no!
I don't want to hear excuses about hormones or losing self control, because that is just it...an excuse. Who do you want to be held accountable to? Yourself? Your parents? God? The child you may conceive? What is it going to take to make you understand that you and your future are worth far more than the few minutes of physical pleasure you are searching for. You know that you have the self control to holster your hormones so as to not make a life altering decision. How do you know it is life altering when you haven't even done the deed yet? That's easy just ask Bristol Palin how much her life has changed. Why repeat the same mistake others have made. Learn from them and take the easy way out say no to sex outside of marriage and enjoy the journey to your exceptional future!

Dad at 13!

Late last week I came across an article about a boy who fathered a child with his girlfriend. The baby was born and the story mainly revolved around the 13 year old father and 15 year old mother. I decided to blog on the story because of one line in the article. The line that stood out to me said that this was a first sexual experience for both of them that ended up in the conceiving of this little baby girl, Maisie.
One of the key reasons I think teens are having sex today without the fear of consequences is because they truly believe they are immune to them. Somehow they don't need to worry about getting pregnant or an STD because that happens to someone else. I remember what it was like to believe I was invincible as a teen. More than anything I desperately wanted a jeep! It was all I could talk about, it never happened, my parents had what we now recognize as common sense. But back to the jeep, I remember one day a man opening up to me about a friend of his that had suffered major brain trauma from an accident in their jeep. Their friend's bright future was gone in an instant. I can remember muttering my sorrow for them, but in the next breath saying, "but that was them it could never happen to me". How egotistical we are in our teens, the absolute belief in our own immortality. Back to the article, this boy Alfie and his girlfriend Chantelle were just messing around, exploring each other and now they have a baby. I don't know what they were thinking, but I do know they were obviously not worried about what could happen as a result of their little bedroom adventure.
Since I first read the article last week, there have been two updates added. First their was the news that they now had the baby at home. The second update was that several boys had come forward demanding a DNA test; they believe that the child could belong to any one of them. According to these boys Chantelle has had a bit of a revolving door on her bedroom. If it is true that she has been having reckless sex with countless partners, then one wonders what she was doing and why? Was she intentionally trying to get pregnant? Was she looking for love in all the wrong places? At only 15 I can't help but feel she was the predator with this 12 year old boy. That's right I said 12. He was 12 when they conceived the child.
To the parents who read my blog, stop thinking like your kids. I realize that this sensationalized story took place half way across the world in England, but what is to prevent it from happening in our very own home? Teens should not be allowed to date until they are 16. Teens of the opposite sex should not be in a home unsupervised. We should be openly talking to our kids every opportunity we get so as to avoid catastrophic consequences. And make no bones about it I do think Alfie and Chantelle's story is catastrophic for the innocent baby they had and are now determined to raise on their own. What chance of success does Maisie have when her daddy is playing video games, that is after he finishes his homework.
This story makes me sad, because I know that Alfie and Chantelle are not the odd ones out. They are just like many other 13 year olds sure that they are ready and mature enough to handle sex. I just wonder what we are going to do about it? I am including the link to the story at the end of the blog today. One of the reasons this story got so much attention is due to the picture of Alfie. He has a baby face and he is small in stature. I say 13 is 13 whether they look 8 or 18, it is time to be outraged about kids having to grow up too fast and if the image of Alfie does not light a fire in your belly then nothing will. http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2238252.ece

Spread the word

In the last 2 months I have had the opportunity to do one of my most favorite things. I love giving talks about abstinence. Typically after a talk, I receive a handful of emails. I love hearing from the teens that were in the audience. One of the emails I received, was from a girl who thanked me for coming to talk to her class. She went on to say that she never thought sex was a big deal and was sure that she would have been active before long, that is until she heard me talk. Now she is excited and wants to wait until she is married. So her email got me thinking...who knows why I started this crazy journey, that does not really matter. But if no one else heard me that day, but that one girl and she can now convince just one other person that abstinence is the best way then maybe the domino effect will take place.
I sit in my office a few times a week and write this blog. The best part of blogging so far has been tracking my readers. Google offers the greatest tool which allows me to see how many people read my blog each day and where they are from (insert shout out to England here). This month alone I have had readers in Turkey, Malta, India, Portugal, Australia, England and of course the good old US of A. Over 19 states have been logging on this month alone! What if everyone who read my blog forwarded the link to just one other person? On this blog, we constantly talk about the up hill struggle we face changing society's view of sex. Why wait for someone else to do it? Why not us? Why not now?
There are so many naysayers who tell me that they like that I do this, but I should give it up. There is no way I can turn the way society views sex. Maybe not, but I can sure try to change a few individuals and so on and so on. Not to mention I am not in this battle alone. I did not invent the concept of abstinence I just happen to really believe it makes life less complicated. So I have decided to press on full steam ahead. Now who wants to get on board? Do your part spread the word!

Unprotected sex on the rise

It hardly makes sense knowing everything we know, that unprotected sex is on the rise. The advocates for safe sex point the finger at the advocates for abstinence. They say, "see, abstinence does not work". Huge misnomer since we know that no one has ever gotten an STD or pregnant while practicing abstinence. I saw a report that said approximately 65 million Americans are living with STDs and the numbers are trending up.
I am not an advocate for safe sex for several reasons, one being that a condom has never protected someone from a broken heart. Secondly there is no form of protection out there that is 100% effective. So where does the ignorance come from that induces people to have unprotected sex in this day and age. I think that when people hear the statistics about STDs they think they are not in that demographic. Only dirty, trashy, poor people get STDs. There seems to be a misconception on who is passing these viruses and bacteria around. STDs are not thinking organisms. They are not going to stop to ask how much does your daddy make and what does he do for living, before deciding to infect you or not.
For every sexual partner you sleep with, you are not just sleeping with that one person. Their sexual history becomes your sexual history, so if they have had 6 partners so have you. People especially women tend to lie about the number of partners they have had. You cannot rely on some one's word when deciding to have sex or not. I bring this up today to say that we need to encourage one another to say no to sex outside of marriage. These numbers will continue to rise until we do something about them. We can reverse this trend by not being afraid to talk about it. There are many teens out there who just think that none of the negative consequences of sex outside of marriage can happen to them. It is up to you to help them understand that if they choose to have sex, they too will be a number/statistic before long. It's not like you get to choose the consequence either, will you get pregnant? Will you get a bacteria that can be cleaned up with an antibiotic, or will you get a virus with no cure like Herpes or HIV?
The downside to abstinence is maybe you get dumped. Boo hoo! If he or she is going to dump you for not having sex then they were not worth your time in the first place. The bright side is you can look forward to a future healthy relationship. A physically fulfilling marriage where neither of you ever has to worry about STDs.

Happy Birthday Caroline!

Today my oldest is 7! I can hardly believe it. The crazy insane part is I feel like I am still a newly wed, so how is it I have a 7 year old kid? I had my reasons for remaining abstinent until marriage, but I did not realize all of the other perks that would come along with it. After I dropped Caroline off at school today, it hit me. That little girl came into this world healthy as a horse! At no point did I have to worry about what STD I was passing on to her. Never does she meet an old boyfriend of mine and have to worry if that nice man saw her mommy naked!
I know I am being flippant, but I just can't help but feel how lucky I am! Chris and I will celebrate our 9 year wedding anniversary and for the life of me I don't see how that is possible. I love going on dates with him. I love having family nights, playing wii, making pizza, renting movies. Part of me thinks that this wonder stays with me because I wasn't busy playing house before I got married.
I have never said that God was the reason behind my abstinence decision; I wasn't mature enough in my relationship with Him to do that. But I can't help but think He was pleased with my decision, because from the moment I met my husband the blessings have been abundant. In hind sight, knowing what I know now, not only would I not change anything, but I may have even been more determined. So today as we celebrate this precious little girl my prayer for her is that she will have the wisdom needed when facing adult decisions in her teens and that God will bless her with the same happiness that I have to come to know.

Stolen Youth

I would like to report a crime. The innocence of today's youth is being stolen right in front of my very eyes. Of course this is not a new revelation but it struck me again how swiftly this is being done. Thursday night hubby and I went on a movie date. On the drive home, I heard some old school Madonna. The song was "Holiday". No, this is not the song that set me off to report this crime. But it was the song that started my thoughts a churning. That particular tape also had the song "Material Girl". The song was released in 1985. I was in the 7th grade and I thought the song was about a girl who did not need the material things in life. I guess I missed the whole point of the song. But I do remember how beautiful she looked in the pink dress as she sang in a very Marilyn Monroe style in the music video. I don't tell you all of this to show how ignorant I was. I tell you this to show you how innocent I was.
Society is forcing our kids to grow up and we are just watching it happen. We shrug our shoulders and say, "Well what are you going to do about it? It's just the way things are." Is it fair that kids in Jr high are expected to act like kids in high school? And then what of the kids in high school that are behaving as if they are in college? I understand the challenges we face as parents. But I would rather face those challenges, than have my daughter have to bear them. Because kids are making adult decisions in jr high and high school the obstacles to living a carefree tween/teen years are becoming insurmountable.
On a Friday night in high school, I would typically go to a football game and then out to eat with my girlfriends. Often on a Sat night, my mom and dad would let me have countless friends over( boys and girls) to watch movies and visit. My parents gave me an alternative to what else was out there for me. I know I was missing the keg parties and endless opportunities of having really bad sex, but I never felt like I was missing out. Maturity wise, I wasn't there yet. Because in my house I was allowed to be 15 or 16, in fact I was encouraged to embrace my age and to live it to the fullest.
This Wednesday, my Caroline is turning 7. It is all she has talked about since November. I told her this morning that, while I am not okay that she is turning 7 she has to promise to love being 7 and she may not even turn her thoughts to 8 until next January. She promised. I don't have the answers and I wish I did. But I know that I am focusing on my children embracing their age acting their age and waiting to grow up. The saying "good things come to those who wait" is true. If I can convince my kids to wait for the grown up experiences for when they are truly grown ups I think I just might win this war with society. I have not nor do I plan on surrendering the childhood of my precious girls. I will fight for mine will you fight for yours?

Man of LaMancha

While my blog is entitled "Living with No Regrets" it is true that I have one. I am making myself vulnerable and open to criticism so please do not mock me when I admit my one true regret. If I had followed my true calling I would maybe not be promoting the merits of abstinence today, instead you would find me on a stage in New York belting out the latest Broadway role. It is my regret that I never even attempted to do this secret desire. Maybe I am needed in this arena of abstinence and luckily I love being a part of it. All of this intro to today's blog, is simply to set up my topic for today.
A couple of weeks ago on a Sat morning I happened to see that the movie, "Man of LaMancha" was on TV. I first saw this movie about 15 years ago with my father. He said it was one of his favorites, I figured Raquel Welch had a lot to do with it as well. A quick summary of the play is this: A noble knight, Don Quixote, is on a quest to bring compassion to all. This fine man does not realize that chivalry has died. He meets Aldonza the whore, but calls her instead, Dulcinea, the fair lady. Now Aldonza acts like a whore because that is how she sees herself. In the end, as Don Quixote is dying she sits by his bed and finally sees herself through his eyes and changes her name to Dulcinea. It gives me chills every time. ( I know nerd alert)
As I watched this very familiar scene play out on my TV, it struck me that it really is current in it's message. No, this play was not written last year, but how timeless is the concept. It takes just a minute on a myspace page to see which girls see themselves as Aldonza. They are the ones advertising on their page through their pictures what they can do for you. I wonder what makes someone think so little of themselves. This is a theme that repeatedly appears in my blogs. Why do some people think the only value that have to give is that which they can offer flat on their back? There is no love of oneself or respect of oneself in a person who can't stand who they are? And while many hide their true feelings behind big smiles, there is a great sadness the smile tries to conceal.
Secondly where are the Don Quixote's of today? I know that I married one, but I don't believe chivalry has died. If you are one of my male readers, then surly you have met your fair share of Aldonzas, but hopefully you have met some Dulcinea's as well. Have you ever tried to help an Aldonza see herself as anything more? Who would you rather be, the noble knight or the one that takes advantage of the girl with no self respect. With chivalry, compassion and respect Don Quixote convinces Dulcinea to live a moral life where she can love herself. If in the end, you are looking for a life long mate, your marriage will be certain to fail if you marry someone who does not have love and respect for her/himself. As you go on your quest to find someone to spend your life with, what are you leaving in your wake? Is there a path of destruction where you are tearing others down, or have you left a path of compassion where you have built others up and given them something to believe in? "To Dream the Impossible Dream", just maybe its not that impossible when the answer is so obvious and lies inside each of us.
In closing I am leaving you the words to Aldonza's song. See the hate she has for herself and see the beauty he knows lies within. Go forth Noble warriors and bring self respect to everyone you meet!
http://www.stlyrics.com/lyrics/manoflamanchadonquixote/aldonza.htm

Natlie Dylan Selling her virginity

I am sure you have been waiting to hear what I have to say about the 22 year old California college grad, who is selling her virginity. Reportedly "Natalie Dylan" (not her real name) has decided to sell her virginity to the highest bidder in a Nevada bordello to pay off her grad school fees. Truth be told, this story did not outrage me, it simply made me feel sad.
With the youth today having sex younger and younger, I guess you could say for her to graduate from college with her virginity intact no small feat. I wonder then, what was she saving it for in the first place? At some point she had to think of her virtue as something of value, and I don't mean a monetary one. I also wonder if she is worried she will not make a decent living in the field in which she has decided to get her graduate degree. Most people who go on to graduate studies expect to repay their loan based on the salary they will make once they have completed their program. Why would she sell her virginity to relieve herself of this debt? And the next time she is in debt, what will she sell then?
This only goes to prove my point that society has devalued sex. When I was researching this story, the article said, "Natalie is a virgin and would like to sell this priceless and rare commodity in a very exclusive and private setting," I agree that what she is attempting to sell is rare and priceless, but 1 minute after the deed is done, her virginity is gone forever. There is NO value left and all she has become is a high priced hooker. The idea of calling her virginity a "commodity" says that it is an object and speaks nothing of her as a human being, or someone containing any semblance of character and integrity.
I try to imagine this Natalie, by herself an hour after the money has been left on the night stand. At first she is jubilant, she has made enough money and then some. Probably more money than some people will see in a lifetime. And then I picture her crying jagged heart wrenching sobs, because she realizes she just sold herself. She has taken her worth and traded it for a debt free life. How will she find a way to respect herself after this? What is her self esteem now, if everything she thought she was worth she sold one night never to get back?
When you abstain from sex until marriage, you first realize that you have so much more to offer than your body. You are offering to your spouse a best friend, a confidant, and yes even a lover bonded in your trust and respect for one another. Sex is not an object, rather and act of love and intimacy shared between a husband and wife. I think about Natalie and wonder what she sees when she looks in the mirror? Is all that she has to offer is what she can do flat on her back? How does she imagine this night playing out. There is nothing in this act that resemble the art of making love. This is not going to be some big romantic night. It is going to be the guy who could write the biggest check: fat, bald and sweating on her. ICK! But no one mentions that part in the article. It is all about the bordello using this girl for their own agenda, and the girl who is going to pay off her debt. We are quickly becoming a society without a conscience and there is going to be hell to pay! My prayer for Natalie, is that she finds herself worthy of everything life has to offer without having to sell herself to achieve it. My other prayer is that young women everywhere see how sad and pitiful Natalie is, and feel sorry for her and choose not to follow her.

If you give away the milk for free...

This morning while driving carpool, the song "All the Single Ladies" by Beyonce Knowles came on the radio. If you haven't heard it let me assure you it is a catchy little tune. Today some of the lyrics started to sink in so I came home and googled the entire song's lyrics. Just as I suspected she was indeed singing what I thought she was singing: "If you liked it, then you shoulda put a ring on it".
A quick scan of the lyrics is all it takes to get a quick overview of the tale being spun. Apparently she dated/slept with the guy for 3 years, he never proposed, she left him, he sees her at a club rubbing up on someone else and he gets jealous. Her reply is "Pull me into your arms say I'm the one you own. If you don't you'll be alone and like a ghost I'll be gone." I am just wondering what this does for the feminist movement...but I digress.
My mom always said, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?' This is so true. If you build a relationship on the physical foundation of sex it is like building a house on a bed of sand...it will crumble. I hear the saying, "it's the 3rd/ 4th date..the sex date". How can you possibly know enough about someone after 3 short dates to decide that he or she is worthy of the most intimate part of yourself you have to give? What are you saying about yourself when the only thing you have to offer someone is what is in between your legs? Is that all you are? Is that all you want to be? I should hope you think more of yourself.
I dated my husband for 9 months. He proposed and we were engaged for another 9 months. We had 18 months of really getting to know each other. After getting married, we went on a 9 day honeymoon to St John, where our relationship that had been constructed on a foundation of trust, and friendship finally reached the physical level. I woke up on the second day of my honeymoon and never had a moments regret or doubt. I knew he would call again, I knew he loved me. I was the luckiest girl in the world. And guess what...I still am!